I will not let fear hold me back when making decisions.
I can’t sleep tonight because for the first time in a long time I’m letting myself think about my mom. I always “think” about her, in the sense one would think about a dull pain. But tonight, I’m thinking about her, in the sense that I’m thinking about the way she felt when she had died, the way she took her last breathe, the way her skin turned yellow and her hands icy cold. These are the memories that I can think about analytically; how her breathing became more and more shallow, how her skin was yellow from the tumor pushing down from her liver, and how her hands were he first to turn cold because her blood was slowly but surely not circulating anymore. I felt those hands turn cold. I felt her heart stop.
These aren’t the memories that make me tear up, make me feel physically upset. The memories that make my throat clench and make my eyes water are of those way before she was sick. Her eating a Snickers bar on her birthday (her favorite). Her showing me watercolor paintings she had made while taking a class. Her smile when she had two or more white wines. My mother, full of life. A warm body.
I think I need to take a step back and reevaluate everything in my life at this point. I feel very very lost, and I need some clarity to keep my mind sane.